A friend sent an email via Facebook and asked me to tell her my "coming out story". I was sure I had already penned my experience, but could not locate it anywhere, so I promised I would write about it, so here goes.
A little background on me. I am the youngest of four, (actually five, but one of my sisters died in a car accident before I was born)one brother who is 18 years older than myself and two sisters. One 10 years older, and one six.
I knew from a very young age that something was different about me. While all my friends were sneaking around looking at playboy and other nudie magizines, I was always secretly hoping to see a nude male in the pictures. One buddy in particular, his mother would actually go rent porn movies for him when we were young teenagers. Finally, got to see something that interested me!
I also learned at an early age what not to say. I was watching the Donnie and Marie Osmond show with my mom and my sister and let a comment slip that I knew was the wrong thing to say. When Donnie came out on stage, I said out loud I thought he was cute. Harmless enough I guess, but even then I could feel the tension in the room and without anyone saying a word I realized I had said the wrong thing.
Enough of that for a minute. I cant talk about my coming out experience without talking about my religious upbringing. From the time I was born, I was raised in church. My family attended a small Missionary Baptist Church in Guntersville - Rehobeth Baptist Church. Looking back as an adult on my childhood, I realize now how fortunate I was. My parents were sincere believers. What they did in chruch on Sunday (morning and night, wednesday nights, every night during revivals and Vacation Bible School) they practiced at home. My dad was a deacon, my sister played the piano and I started singing in the choir as soon as I was old enough to stand up there with them. There was not a seperate children's choir ... adults and kids alike all sang together. I remember my first solo - "Thank you Lord for your Blessings on Me". I can still remember the words!
Jumping ahead a little bit, when I was maybe 14 years old, I had earned the privilege of staying up after my parents went to bed. I was rummaging thru my mom's purse and found an ink pen that someone had given her. It was one of those that had a man in a bikini bottom printed on it and when you clicked the cap to push out the ball point, the man's bikini disappeared and he would be completely nude. After getting over the initial shock of finding this sort of thing in my mom's purse, I became infatuated with this ink pen! I remember playing with it for hours (the pen, that is)!
By then, I knew what gay meant and I understood the social and spiritual ramifications that came along with it. I was scared to death. What would people think? What would my parents do? Was I going to Hell? I couldn't talk about it to anyone and at that age actually thought about killing myself. Im not sure if it was that same night or not, but I actually called a hotline. I figured it would be anonymous and I could talk to someone. A woman answered the phone and I told her I thought I might be gay. I dont remember everything that was said in that conversation, but I do recall the woman telling me that I was not alone an she explained that she had been in relationships with other women. I was somewhat relieved in knowing I was not the only one like me, but was still terrified and did not want to be gay. From that point in my life, I decided that was something I could never become and that it would be my secret ... my deepest darkest secret. Over the years, I would have secret crushes on boys in school and movie stars but never ever allowed it out.
When the older teen years started coming along, a lifelong friend came to me. He called me out on it and told me he had the same feelings. I guess I was maybe 17 or 18 at the time. We started messing around and this went on for several years. I had started to embrace that part of myself then and told him I was thinking about 'coming out'. He warned me against it and said I could never do it that it was dangerous. Im not sure if he was scared for his own self that I would out him in the process or if he had genuine concern or both. I didn't think too much into it at the time, but it worked. Instead of coming out, I buried it deeper than ever before.
I had stopped going to church and started doing the things that some teenagers do. I was smoking pot, drinking, blah blah blah. I thought I was grown. I became interested in new age thinking and followed that path for a while. I remember I went and bought my crystal and started meditating with it. I recall one afternoon while in meditation, God intervened. He spoke to my spirit. He said to me, "Why do you put your faith in this rock when I created the rock?" That rocked my world! (no pun intended)
At the age of 21, I started asking questions about religion. I was working for the Lee jeans factory in Guntersville and many of my co-workers went to Lake City Assembly of God in Guntersville. They were all really nice people and decided to accept their invitation to church. I remember the first time I went, I sat in the balcony and had a quarter bag of weed in my pocket. Talk about feeling guilty! LOL I dont remember the sermon that Pastor Broadus preached that Sunday morning, but I remember it felt like he was talking directly to me. I enjoyed the music and was impressed by the knowledge Pastor Broadus seemed to have. It was very different from the ignorant (and I do not mean that in a bad way ... its just the truth) teachings I recall from my youth.
I rededicated my life to Christ at that time and joined the church. For the next six years, I was committed to the church, but all the while still plagued by my sexuality. For those years, I was able to deeply bury it and suppress it, but it was always there and always a struggle.
God opened doors and led my path to enroll at Snead to study music. My intentions were to go into church music. I earned a full scholarship by being accepted to participate with the College Street Singers. My second year I met Amy and within a year we got married.
As a student, I qualified for special financing for an Apple computer. It came with a laser printer and an external dial-up modem - and I discovered America Online. I plugged in my phone line and discovered another world. I stumbled into the chat rooms and found chat rooms exclusively for gay men. They were broken down by State and it didn't take long to locate the "Alabama M4M (men for men)" chat room.
Wow! I finally had an opportunity to talk to other gay men and be completely anonymous. I could download and trade pictures of men - solo models posing as well as pornographic photos.
Everything that I had been able to suppress started coming back to the forefront of my mind and the struggle was back in a major way.
After I graduated from Snead, I earned a scholarship to study music at the University of Alabama. I started working for a restaurant where working Sundays were pretty much mandatory, so we never really found a church. I was somewhat active in Chi Alpha, an AG college ministry, but wasn't committed to it.
I became friends with my co-workers and started partying with them after work. I started drinking and smoking pot again. My relationship with Amy was falling apart and I was getting deeper and deeper in chatting in the gay chatrooms.
The guilt was nearly unbearable.
I knew I was gay. There was no question about it. For so many years, I begged and pleaded with God to heal me and change me, but it never happened. My attraction to men was growing and I could no longer bury it.
After countless hostile arguments between me and Amy, and struggling with my sexuality, I told Amy I was going to go stay with my parents during spring break. There were questions for which I needed answers. The big one, more than being gay, was whether or not I wanted to stay married.
That week at my parents was a turning point in my life. It was late one night and I was pacing around in my parent's back yard in the dark praying and pleading with God once again to heal me from my 'affliction'.
Again, God spoke to my spirit loud and clear. He told me he created me like I was for a reason. He created me with white skin and that was not going to change. He created me with blonde hair, and that was not going to change. He created me with blue eyes, and that was not going to change. He created me gay, and that was not going to change. It was not anything I needed healing from.
For the first time ever, I was able to say to myself without shame, "I am gay". I had finally been liberated ... set free. No more guilt. No more shame.
After that, I knew that staying married to Amy was not doing her any favors. She deserved someone that really loved her and was not using her as a cover up. I returned home and told her I wanted a divorce. At the time, I still could not tell the real reason. I wasn't sure how my family would react especially my parents and I knew after we split she would move back home and couldn't afford for her to run and tell everyone out of spite. I would tell people in my own time in my own way.
Its been a wild ride ever since. The next term at school, I took advantage of my new-found freedom. I spent more time that semester studying men rather than music and unfortunately my grades suffered. I ended up dropping out of school and moved to a place where no one knew me and I could start over with a new identity. No expectations. No limits.
I didn't exactly come out of the closet gay-pride parade style, but in a very calculated way. As I made new friends, I would tell them. On that front, I have been extremely fortunate. Only one person I came out to had a negative response. Everyone else has been very supportive including my family.
It took a few years, but even Amy and I have become very good friends and remain friends to this day.
On the spiritual front, my views of who and what god is have changed dramatically. I no longer blindly follow what the man behind the pulpit says. God has spoken directly to me on more than one occasion, so I know his (or her) voice well.
I live and let live. The only time I call anyone out on spiritual convictions is when I feel their convictions does not come from their own life's lessons, but from the mind of a sheep who repeats what they have been told, and when someone feels its their duty to impose their convictions on me (or others). We each have to find our own moral compass and live by that compass. Everyone has their own burden to bear and I feel that it is more important to deal with their own burdens instead of meddling in others.
Anyway, that is my story. My path to this day. Who knows what lies ahead and what direction life may take me in the future. But whatever that path is, I know who I am. As long as I have that I will never be lost again.
