Covenant MCC

Covenant MCC

I have entered a new era of my life. My childhood Sundays, Wednesdays, and 2 weeks in the summer were spent at Rehobeth Baptist Church, a small Missionary Baptist Church in Guntersville Alabama.

When the teenage years hit, like many other teenagers, rebelled and experimented with sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. Ironically, when I turned 21, I was introduced to the Assembly of God and it drastically changed my life. I was as committed by my own heart to Lake City Assembly just the same way my parents were committed to Rehobeth growing up. I spent 6 years there working in many different capacities - Choir, Royal Rangers, Usher, Sunday School teacher, Children's church, youth group etc. Ricky Holmes was the Youth Pastor at the time. After a few years, he felt the call to start his own church in Albertville, an adjacent town to Guntersville and called it Crossroads Assembly of God.

Scott Gray was the youth minister there and we became good friends, and even roommates for a short time. It was there I felt God was calling me into youth/music ministry. At the same time, I was being tormented by a parallel life. I was finally coming to realize I was Gay, and knew that the two lives would never commingle with each other. I stayed committed to Crossroads until Amy and I moved to Tuscaloosa where I intended to finish my education in Music Performance.

After moving, we did not find a church right away, and I began working for Red Lobster. The friends I made there were definite partiers, and made a habit of patronizing O’Charleys after work. After 6 years of tobacco and drug abstinence, I found myself "living it up" again with my new friends. I also started to physical explore my sexuality with men I met on the internet, and abruptly ended my relationship with the church. Soon after, Amy and I divorced and I dove head first into the world that I had always believed to be taboo.

School suffered immensely. I quit studying and practicing and it didn't take long before I was cutting classes. I spent all my time on the Internet looking for that next sexual encounter. I finished the semester, and then moved back home with my parents until I could get my head on straight - no pun intended. It was at that time I met Kenny on a telephone dating service. He lived in Florence. We talked on the phone a good bit and I drove up there to meet him. We hit it off pretty well and started seeing each other regularly on the weekends.

The next January, I decided I was going to go back and finish school. I invited Kenny to move with me because I knew it would be very difficult for us to see each other living so far away.

Kenny was 36 at the time and still was living with his parents and always had. He said he would consider moving, but I don’t think he ever had intention of doing it. He visited only a couple of times. There was not much difference in my behavior in school. I found a cheap apartment that at one time was a motel. My intentions were to try to live off the money I received back from the student loans so I would not have to work and solely focus on school, however I was still spending way too much time on the internet and at the gay bar. The money ran out very quickly and the electric company was quick to turn off power. I lived in the dark for several weeks before running into Lisa and Morris again.

Lisa was one of the good friends I met while working at Red Lobster and Morris was a manager. They started to date and eventually married. I sang for their wedding. Lisa's birthday and mine are only a few days apart. I started working for Depalma's restaurant in Tuscaloosa, where Lisa's brother was a cook. He said they were coming into town (they were in Jackson Mississippi) for Lisa's birthday and invited me to join them in the celebration.

That night, I came "out" to Lisa and she was very cool with it. In that respect, I am very fortunate that none of my friends denounced me because I was gay.

I told Lisa and Morris about the predicament I was in - living without electricity and no money, and Morris offered me a job as a bartender in Jackson. He said he had a girl that was working for him and he knew she was stealing and it was only a matter of time before she would be caught, and he needed someone he could trust. He offered me $10 an hour to bartend if I was willing to move to Jackson. I said I was interested and would be there the next week to check it out.

I accepted the job in spite of much controversy it caused. I hated Jackson from the first time I set eyes on the "city", but the money was good and I already had friends there. It was not long before I met Patrick.

Coming full circle, after almost 7 years in Jackson we find our way to Birmingham.

Patrick's medical history requires him to have a regular Doctor. We both wanted somebody that would understand and sympathize with the gay community, so Patrick called the local CMCC (see link at the beginning of this blog) for any suggestions. He spoke with Gwen, the church's office manager, and they hit it off right away over the phone. From what I understand, they talked for over an hour about Birmingham, Jackson, and the different things going on at the church.

Patrick was very excited about his conversation, and suggested that we visit the church and check it out. We did not have any friends here, and figured that would be a good social circle in which to get involved. However, I was skeptical. While the seed of faith was always present, the idea of a gay church seemed like an oxymoron. Patrick visited the church on a business call and spoke with Gwen at more length. Again he suggested we check it out, and I agreed.

One Sunday morning, we woke up about an hour before church started and impulsively decided to go.

I was hooked. They were warm and seemed genuine. I had heard that most MCC’s were mainly lesbian, but this was not the case. There was a very diverse congregation of men and women, young and old. The choir that particular Sunday was small but sounded good. Most importantly, I felt a presence I had not experienced in a very long time - The Holy Spirit. I wept and silently prayed for my family.

The following week is when I fell and injured my ankle. We did not immediately go back, however it was on my mind a good bit, and I knew I wanted to go back.

It was not until the Sheraton hosted the conference for the blind that we met Rev. McDermott and escorted him to CMCC. Funny how God works. There was a song that was on my mind that I remembered singing with Crossroad’s choir years ago. I would occasionally run across the music and could hear the choir singing in my mind. Well, that Sunday morning, the choir at CMCC performed that song. I received that as I sign that this is a place I am supposed to be. I talked to the music Pastor, Scotty Phillips about singing and welcomed me with open arms.

I attended the next rehearsal.

The next couple of Sundays is when I was helping out with Dad, and doing pictures for Amy’s wedding so we were not able to attend, although I continued to practice on Thursday nights. This past Sunday was reminiscent of my relationship with God and the church when the choir sang. It was a very simple song, and at first did not like it. But was we sang, the spirit moved and the church was on their feet in praise and worship by the end of the song.

So now, I have come full circle. We are making new friends and once again, I am finding the fullness and faith I had almost completely lost. I have found a home that I can be myself – the self that God created. No hiding, no secret life. Actually, for the first time, I can be honest with myself and honest with God and not feel guilty.

How much more can I worship and be in fellowship with God now than then?

While in Jackson, I felt it in my heart to start a community gospel choir. A place where anyone that loved upbeat gospel music could come and not have to be ashamed or have to hide anything. Jackson especially needs something of that nature to help build a bridge between the races.

I hope to eventually become more involved at CMCC. I have a gift of leading people in worship. I have seen it with my own eyes. While at Crossroads, I was able to use that gift in a very small way, but somehow felt the door was not completely open and allowed that to discourage me. I thought I was on the eve of entering the fullness of that gift after speaking with Angie Gray at a children’s camp. Angie was the worship leader and a good one. She was very sensitive to the direction of the Holy Spirit and was able to sense the congregation’s movement, however, she told me that night that trying to lead the choir was not her calling. After some discussion, I told her my feelings and she said she would bring it before Ricky and the board about allowing me to take on the Choir. Before a decision was made, scandal hit the church and Ricky was ask to leave.

I pressed Angie about the choir, and she relayed to me that they were not going to make any moves in any area of the church until a new pastor was selected because many times, they have their own ideas about who should be in what leadership positions.

As they anticipated, when the new pastor was found, his wife took over the choir. I have to admit, I felt cheated.
At the same time, I was getting very discouraged about leading worship in the “adult” service. Once a month, they would have a youth night where Scott would bring the sermon, and the youth would moderate the service – except for the worship. We had our own band … Amy played the keyboard, I played guitar, and we had another young man, Joe, that played base. Occasionally, he had a friend that would come and play drums. On the youth night, I felt it was my turn to lead the whole congregation in worship, but Angie disagreed and held on with a firm grip.

I knew for some reason, God was not opening that door for me and could not understand why.

The past few days, I have wondered how my life would be different had I made different choices. I considered going to the A/G college in Lakeland Florida, but God opened the door for me to go to Snead. If I had gone on to Southeastern, would I still be a miserable closeted struggling homosexual constantly tortured by my deep dark secret? Would I have met and married Amy? Would I have ever met Morris and Lisa? Would I know Patrick? These questions have also led me to think about my future. What decisions are before me that will take my life down the path of my future?

Now that I have reconciled my real life and my spiritual life, once again I have faith that God is in control and has a specific plan for my life.

I find myself unemployed. Broke. Frustrated. Bills are coming in that are barely getting paid. Checks are bouncing and the bank shows no mercy when it comes to overdraft charges. When every penny counts, handing over $30 a whack is overwhelming and crippling.

So now, I am off to look for work. My prayer is that God will direct my path to find something that will help me be a better steward of our finances.

Hep B shot

Well, today I see Dr. Middlebrooks about my Hep b vaccination. While I am there, I am going to mention these meltdowns I am having to see if he can give me something - maybe xanax or valume or something. I do not want anything I have to take on a regular basis - like pazil or zoloft. I hate the side affects of those. I hope he is cool about it. It is hard to get those rx'd. We'll know in about an hour, I guess.

Weekend at Dad's

Well, I made it through.

Dad seems to be going downhill quickly. Some days are better than others. Saturday was a pretty good day. He is getting worse about asking the same questions over and over ... Sometimes back to back.

I was surprised to see Vivian sitting up and getting around like she was. After having a breast removed, I expected her to be in the bed at least a couple of days following the surgery, but she was up doing her normal routine. All I really had to do for them is go to the store a couple of times.

Friday morning, first thing, I took hootie to the vet to look at those welts that were on her. The vet said they were caused by fleas. Also, the found high levels of coccidia (spelling?) in her feces, and went ahead and got her annual vaccinations. Everything was about $140.

On the way up, the car was acting up - skipping. Patrick changed the plugs/wires and it is running much better, although it is still not exactly right.

Vivian showed me a diary that she is keeping. He threw a fit on her one day wanting to know where Mae was. She siad he does that a lot. Even though I dont really care for her too much, I do feel for her. Patrick made a point that she married this man, not realizing that she was going to be a caretaker. She told patrick that she feels like hired help more than his wife. Im afraid that if this breast cancer is fatal, it will really put dad over the edge. Patrick and I have talked about moving in with him if it comes to that and try to take care of him as much as possible until we can't

While Patrick was working on that, we let hootie out of the fence. She stayed right with us until a chicken showed itself, then it was on. She chased those chickens all over the place, and almost got her a rooster. She was within inches of it. After about 15 min of chasing, we finally caught her and put her back in the fence. I don't like taking her there because dad's two dogs are infested with fleas.

Saturday afternoon, Donna brought little Mike over. Its good to see them talking and getting along. Mike mentioned he wanted to learn guitar. Dad brought his out and started playing - never missed a lick. I think he should play regularly, who knows, maybe actively thinking may slow down and combat the disease.

Sunday, we went to Donna's to work on Dad's truck. Supposedly, the cylinoid switch on the starter is bad. Donna had the part, but it was the wrong part, so we had to call the parts store and order another one. We will be back up there next Sunday to try again.

When I called dad to see if he was ready to come over here, He ask if he was supposed to. He had completely forgotten about it, and we had talked about it all morning. After getting back to his house and picking him up, he was trying to tell me how to get there and was way off. Also, before getting out of the driveway, he was already clenching like I was driving 100 mph. He complained the whole way that I was scaring him. On the way back, he was bragging about what a good driver I was. When we got to her house, he got out of the car, and I could tell he was very confused about what he was supposed to do. He was standing there and said to me he was getting feeble. I walked over to him and just said, "come on", and he followed me into the house.

iBaller.com: Male Celebrity - Josh Duhamel

iBaller.com: Male Celebrity - Josh Duhamel

This guy is so hot!

Thursday was called off

I was expecting to drive up to Dad's last night, but Sandy called and said Vivian's daughter was going to stay with them last night and today, and they did not need me until tonight. That was the plan anyway, but I was going to go thursday night so I could be there first thing Friday morning.

I talked to Vivian's daughter this morning and all seems to be going well. Vivian was laying down resting and dad was fiddleing about in the yard.

I took Hootie to the vet this am to have some bumps checked out and to also have her annual rabies shots. I will also have them apply some flea/tic repellant because those fleas at Dad's are huge. I am excited about her having plenty of room to roam and run and play. I hate for her here because she always has to be on the leash. Many folks let their dogs off the leash, but she is to spoiled. IT would take me the rest of the day to chase her and that really pisses me off, additionally, she does not like kids, and would hate it if she were to bite a child.

I need to call Dr Sam about some more nerve pills. Patrick may have to get the rx filled for me tomorrow when I am staying with dad.

Test Results ...

Dr Middlebrooks called me yesterday and all my tests were fine. HIV -, and also said I am a candidate for hep-b vaccination. He siad I have either had hep a or have been vaccinated before, so that is not necessary. He also said there is not a reliable vaccinaton for hep c.

Some good news on a dark day. Go figure.

Loosing the tit

Well, I called Donna yesterday just to see how she is getting along. She and her husband split up several months ago and is really having a hard time, so I try to keep in touch with her to just let her talk.

She informs me that they found a lump in Vivian's breast and removed one of them yesterday, and they need me to come up tonight and stay thru Sunday night.

I have no Idea what I am going to do. Of course, I am going, but once I get there ???? Im sure Ill have plenty to write about when I get back.

I have to admit I am scared shitless. Since moving to Birmingham, I am able to get up to visit much more often, but it is brief, usually not much longer than an hour, so I only see a small section of his illness. What is scaring me now is I am going to be there for a couple of days and I fear what I am going to see.

By keeping visits short, I am in some way able to even deny he is sick, and keep telling myself that it is not going to get worse, but in my mind I know that is not true.

Donna siad that he gets up in the middle of the night and looks for his keys because he wants to "go home" and almost fights you until you are able to make him aware he is at home.

Me and patrick has a long talk last night. What are the chances of Vivian surviving this at her age? If she dies, what will happen to dad? I mentioned the possibility of moving in with dad if it came down to that and the both of us could take care of him.

Monetarily, there would not really be any bills. There would be no rent, or house pmt, only the household. Patrick would be a much better *nurse* than I would be. I approached that very carefully because I did not want him to feel that I was giving him an ultimatum again, like he sort of felt I did when we moved here.

I would love to go ahead and get him in nursing school now, so by the next 3 years when the possibility of dad being totally bed-ridden is reality, patrick will be qualified to take care of him, and we can completely avoid any kind of "care facility".

I was hoping to see Dr Middlebrooks today and see what my chances are of getting some valiume or xanax to get me through, but he is on vacation ... so Im in for the full ride.

God, I am dredding this.

Anyway, time to take the pooch out for her am biz, and also need to get her to the vet today for her annual shots and a treatment for fleas and tics. She will be there with me Saturday and Sunday, and there are monster fleas and tics there. Its going to be a long weekend.

The dr's visit

Well, I went last week to see Dr Middlebrooks for the first time. Wasn't sick, but wanted to get a full spread of tests for std's, cholesterol, blood-sugar all that shit you're supposed to start doing once a year once you turn 35.

So they set an appt for Tuesday to come back and get the results. Drove all the way out there, waited for an hour, then they say they had not come back for the lab and wanted to reschedule. I was very stern in reccomending that we can talk about it on the phone, I was not driving back out there.

Ok, so im a little pissed.

When I get home, I call Dr Hill's nurse, Lori to see if that paperwork had been faxed to the unemployment office, and she promised me that it would be faxed first thing in the morning. I said good, I will call you back to confirm it has been faxed. I suttely gave her the hint that I was going to bug the shit out of her until she faxed it. July 8 is the deadline or I will be denied benefits.

Need to see ...

I have been trying to get my blog on my ftp space with RR.JAM, but I keep getting errors. Probably I should let it stay here anyway just in case I have to let RR go eventually.

Good deed for the day, sort of ...

Covenant MCC

There is a convention of Blind folks in town staying at the Sheraton. One of the guests was Rev McDermott from Cape Cod. He was very instrumental in getting the gay marrriage law passed is Massachutes. He was a older man, probably 70 at least. He wanted to attend the Covenant Church here in town. We went for the first time a few weeks ago and really enjoyed it. There are a few things I would like to be different, but over all, I like it. We escorted Mr. McDermott to church this morning.

Ironicly, there has been a song in the back of my mind from the Crossroads AG time, * I want to go where the milk and honey flow, ... by Gerod Davis (I think). Well that is what the Choir sang this morning, and they sang their ass off. This will be the closest thing to a gay mens chorus that is here in Birmingham. I think I will join and start singing with them. I know if I become a regular, I will eventually be in a worship leadership position ... which is one of the things I would change.

They should reduce the bulletin to announcements, and who is doing what. The bulletin is 4 pages long. One of the pages is a usually dredfull hymn. There do a few choruses, which I like, but they are interrupted with other recititations or stuff. I would encourage them to have a musical worship service that flows. That prepares the spirit for what the preacher has to say. Normally, the first part of the worship service will be upbeat. Encourage the congreation to clap, put out a few tamberines, and put together a praise band.

All the recicitations, and choruses can be tranferred to transparances or slides. This gives the worship leader much more flexibility to direct the worship service. Take a break, with the keyboard playing and work in the recititations, and move the music into a slower more intimate worship experience.

This gives folks an opportunity for introspection.

Once that portion of the service is done, give announcements, promotions, etc, then the choir sings one or two, and then some special music - soloist or the like.

A children's moment, then the sermon.

Now that I am past that, Let me tell you about the good deed. After church, there was a blind sub-group of gay folks having a reception and I was ask to help get everything set up. Sure, I thought. 15 - 20 min, then home to chill.

Turns out we were having to serve. I hate if this is bitchy, but I was over it. I was ready to go. It didn't take long for Patrick to figure that out, so eventually we finally got out.

I did feel honored to be able to assist the Rev. McDermott. The work he did is no less substantial than anything Benjamen Franlkin wrote when this country was founded.

Well, Yesterday was spent trying to learn about blogs and their usefulness. I have always been kind of a poineer among my peers when it comes to things of the internet. I was the first person I knew that had AOL (many, many moons ago). Now, I have many friends and even family that use the internet in some way or anther.

My parents were much older (Dad was 40, mom was 38)when I was born. Very old fashioned, very church-going; Sunday morning Sunday school, sunday night, wednesday night, and every night of revival during two weeks in the summer.

Mom was very stern. She was the authoritarian in the house. Pretty much, what she said was the last word, but also very tender and sweet. She wasn't crafty like making quilts, but could sew her own clothes, she could crochet and made many afgans, and make something usefull out of nothing. When I got married (that will be another post later), she made me a beautiful afgan that I treasure. It is my "Linus' blanket". She was a friend to all, unless you pissed her off, then she was pretty much done. Otherwise, she would do anything anyone needed her to do. The last 5 years of her life she spent working home health care, taking care of people, sometimes younger than her, that needed help. She was not a nurse, but would help with light cooking and cleaning and making sure her clients had the things they needed to get through the day.

She stayed at home most of my life. When I was born, she worked in a chicken plant, and quit shortly after my birth. Stayed at home with me and my older sister, Donna. By then, my oldest sister, Sandy, and my brother, Jimmy were already married and out of the house. I think Sandy lived at home until I was about 6. Once I got into high school, she went back to work in a Lee Co., manufacturing denim jeans. She worked there until the plant closed in 1989. That is when she started working in home health care, and did that until her death in December 1999.

He entire life was committed to my dad. By the time I was 20, I think I was the only kid I know that their parents were not divorced. She would get up at 4am, cook breakfast and dinner, clean the house, do laundry, all before getting herself ready and off to work.

Althought she was a sweet, loving, and warm person, you didn't want to piss her off. Her wrath was fierce.

My dad and I have never been as close as me and my mother were. Not sure why. We just never connected, and could never talk the way me and mother did. When I was younger we would do things together, like go fishing, swimming in the lake. Sometimes he would take me to work with him. At that time he and my brother owned a meat market, so I would help them package ground beef, and ride along on their routes. We didn't have a refridgerated truck, we used and old buick.

When mother passed, we didn't think dad would last much longer because he was so dependant on my mother, but it didn't take long for him to remarry - just a little bit over a year. I liked Ms Scott, she was a widow to a good friend of dad's, so we all knew her, and was glad that dad had someone there to take care of him. I was living in Mississippi, and my brother and sisters all had their own lives and their own problems. My sisters did the best they could to make sure he was eating and the house kept clean, but when he remarried, it really lifted the burden from them.

Well, that didn't work out. Dad said she was crazy. Im not sure if they were married a whole year and then divorced.

Not long after that, he met *Vivian* at the Waffle House, and it wasn't long before he married her. I didn't like her at all at first.

Once, when I was visiting, she made a comment to me that she was just like my mother because she loved to read gossip i.e. enquirer, star, people, etc. I didn't say anything out loud, but if she could have heard my thoughts it would have been ugly. She is NOTHING like my mother and I did not appreciate her comparing herself in that manner.

Not too long after that, my car broke down and was going to cost a fortune to get it fixed. I have been driving a 1991 Mitsubishi Eclipse since 1995. I was ready to trade it in for something else because it was not as dependable as it had been for several years. Dad had agreed to sign with me (because I had abuse my credit out of ignorance, I could not do it alone). The day I called him to go to the bank to sign the papers, he backed out because *Vivian* thought his kids were out to get all his money.

I was pissed. Not as much as dad not signing the note, but because it was none of her business. As a matter of fact, it was not going to cost him anything, except his signature. I blew my lid at dad, and let him know exactly what I thought about vivian, and warned him that if she ever compared herself to my mother again, I would not keep quiet. Well, he must have relayed the msg, because she has not done that since.

It has taken a couple of years, but I have grown to tolerate her when I visit.

Last October, there was a strange episode with my dad. He bought a part for his lawnmower that did not fit, or did not work or something that required him to take it back. My brother went with him to take it back. They could not find the receipt, but dad said he got it in gadsden. They drove around all day and could not find where he bought that part. So, they come back home and find the receipt, and it turns out the place he bought it was in Albertville, just around the corner of the house, and dad was blaming someone else for taking them to gadsden, that was not even with them.

They ran all the tests and finally diagnosed him with Alzheimer's disease. That is when I decided to move back to Alabama. That is another blog to come later on.

Not too long ago, I was talking with Sandy, and she told me that *Vivian* wanted her name on all of Dad's finances. (now who is after who's money?) Her reason was that she was the one that has to buy his medications. When they first married, the deal was they were going to keep their finances seperate ... he had his acct,and she had hers.

They agreed, but not just like she wanted. The took all but a few hundred dollars out of the checking acct and put it in a C.D. - without her name. So there, you have access to dad's acct to get his medicine, but she is still throwing a fit until it gets to the point my brother has to get in her face and basicly cuss her out.

About the same time, Donna was visiting and somehow she and Vivian started cussing at each other. Vivian called her a son of a bitch, and tried to throw her out. Donna (who has the same temper as mother did) let her know quickly that she was living in dad's house, and if anybody was leaving, it would be her. Dad had to jump in between them as vivian was swinging to hit donna.

big stink

Well, this has been the framework of my life. Im so glad Vivian did not come into the picture 10 years ago. I wonder what things would have been like then? Very, very different, I'm sure.



 

Downtown Jackson. Impressive, huh? NOT 

Trying to figure this out ...

The reviews for this "Blog" rave about how easy it is. I have spent a couple of hours with it, and am not convinced of its usefulness. I saw it a while back when I downloaded the google toolbar (Google rocks), but removed it. The only reason I came back to it is I saw the term BLOG again on aol, and thought perhaps this is something I should look into a bit closer.

I have been thinking about starting a journal, but don't want to tie it up in AOL or anything else I am paying for just in case I decide to cancel the service, I don't loose everything I have worked on. Good move on AOL!

So here is the first of a journal. It will be mixed in with current thoughts of the day as well as memories and things of the past. Hopefully, I will be clear on what is present and what is past so if anyone actually reads this, they will be able to discern the two.

So here we go!

Closing night of 2002 nightclub in Jackson Mississippi.